At what point does the parent become more "observer" than "manager" with regard

At what point does the parent become more "observer" than "manager" with regard to parenting issues? I've always tried to maintain a "value-driven" approach; no helicopter parenting. I've stressed "doing your best" rather than "making a grade," with regard to schoolwork. I've given books as gifts, encouraged them to find something they love as a guide to helping to find a vocation, etc. What I'm struggling with is seeing my 19-year old college freshman show some major blind spots with regards to how he conducts his relationships with family. He's arrogant and disrespectful at times, and will never apologize when confronted about his behavior. His first impulse is to make excuses to justify his behavior and, if failing that, will immediately go to blaming the other person for his perceived contribution to the situation. He's extremely smart scholastically, healthy, nice-looking, and is likely to be successful at anything he decides to do. How does a parent deal with an adult child who's not ready to accept full responsibility for his actions, and is resistant to input? By the way, he's counting on me for grad school, which obviously is very expensive (he chose state school for undergrad; post-divorce, a very wise decision) so cutting the cord is not in the cards, as I committed to helping him get through as debt-free as possible. And, there is a 16-year old younger brother watching how this unfolds...

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